That same old feeling

Another holiday season has come and gone. A month of my birthday and a trip to NY and Christmas and New Year and school performances and gift buying and cookie making. It came and it went. Now a blur. It's the eve before the actual new year starts for us, the REAL start of schedules and school and work. Bert went to bed early because yea...let's get a good start to the new year. But there lies the difference between mothers and fathers. He is sawing logs and I am pacing the house. Anxious. I have both the dishwasher and the washing machine going simultaneoulsy. I have paced the house collecting shoes and sorting coats and setting out water bottles and lunch bags. Another semester starts tomorrow at our new school location no less. And I am excited for what the year will bring but as usual it comes with sadness. I love it when everyone is home all day and we are on a schedule of our own making. I like the coziness of Christmas break and family gathering and friends getting together and eating too much and singing silly songs. The passing of the holiday means the passing of time and I will never again have a 6 year old and 17 month old at Christmas again. I'll admit, I have some regret. I was a little more about errands and logistics this year than I wanted to be. And I yelled. I have never been a mama that yelled, really--never. But the 5 year stretch isn't enough to keep little hands from touching and antagonizing and I found myself having to raise my voice more than I liked. I hate that. 

But as I type this, I already feel something that sounds like forgiveness. With fun there has to be discipline, it's part of my job as a parent. And I read some really wonderful things today about keeping the magic of the holidays and vacation alive in the everyday. I'm anxious tonight not because I think that the Lord doesn't have everything under His control because I know he does. I'm nervous because it's my job as a mom--to be intentional about sending my baby out into the world again tomorrow. To know we can't keep sleeping in and eating cookies for breakfast and staying up watching movies. It's disheartening and sad for something to end when it was good. And I guess that isn't regret but instead accomplishment--we did it, we had a wonderful holiday. 

January has started and I have decided I love January. I used to dread it as a let down after so much fun. But with the busy schedules of this season of life, I love how slow it is. It is usually a month of catching up...on rest, on reading, on family time. The first week of January holds a lot of sad memories for me but happy ones too.

Tomorrow morning I will (hopefully) get up early. Crack open the first few pages of our devotional--a fresh start. And then walk Loulie to her new school. Prayers for all the mamas that will be back at it tomorrow with expectations and goals. Ideas of what they want their year to looks like. I have picked three words that I hope will set the tone for our 2016...adventure (even in the mundane), presence, and margin. 

As this old feeling creeps in, I am reminded of how thankful I am that I already long for the goodness of my present life and the blessing I have been given.