That same old feeling

Another holiday season has come and gone. A month of my birthday and a trip to NY and Christmas and New Year and school performances and gift buying and cookie making. It came and it went. Now a blur. It's the eve before the actual new year starts for us, the REAL start of schedules and school and work. Bert went to bed early because yea...let's get a good start to the new year. But there lies the difference between mothers and fathers. He is sawing logs and I am pacing the house. Anxious. I have both the dishwasher and the washing machine going simultaneoulsy. I have paced the house collecting shoes and sorting coats and setting out water bottles and lunch bags. Another semester starts tomorrow at our new school location no less. And I am excited for what the year will bring but as usual it comes with sadness. I love it when everyone is home all day and we are on a schedule of our own making. I like the coziness of Christmas break and family gathering and friends getting together and eating too much and singing silly songs. The passing of the holiday means the passing of time and I will never again have a 6 year old and 17 month old at Christmas again. I'll admit, I have some regret. I was a little more about errands and logistics this year than I wanted to be. And I yelled. I have never been a mama that yelled, really--never. But the 5 year stretch isn't enough to keep little hands from touching and antagonizing and I found myself having to raise my voice more than I liked. I hate that. 

But as I type this, I already feel something that sounds like forgiveness. With fun there has to be discipline, it's part of my job as a parent. And I read some really wonderful things today about keeping the magic of the holidays and vacation alive in the everyday. I'm anxious tonight not because I think that the Lord doesn't have everything under His control because I know he does. I'm nervous because it's my job as a mom--to be intentional about sending my baby out into the world again tomorrow. To know we can't keep sleeping in and eating cookies for breakfast and staying up watching movies. It's disheartening and sad for something to end when it was good. And I guess that isn't regret but instead accomplishment--we did it, we had a wonderful holiday. 

January has started and I have decided I love January. I used to dread it as a let down after so much fun. But with the busy schedules of this season of life, I love how slow it is. It is usually a month of catching up...on rest, on reading, on family time. The first week of January holds a lot of sad memories for me but happy ones too.

Tomorrow morning I will (hopefully) get up early. Crack open the first few pages of our devotional--a fresh start. And then walk Loulie to her new school. Prayers for all the mamas that will be back at it tomorrow with expectations and goals. Ideas of what they want their year to looks like. I have picked three words that I hope will set the tone for our 2016...adventure (even in the mundane), presence, and margin. 

As this old feeling creeps in, I am reminded of how thankful I am that I already long for the goodness of my present life and the blessing I have been given. 

Little Stinker

TaddyCakes Dasher:
10 months old, just shy of 20lbs, can't walk, can't hold a cup, has never had a bottle
and yet......
he can open the storm door to let Bridget in and somehow let himself out. I looked over and there he is outside with this look on his face.
In addition to this adventure, he got his head stuck in the door today, climbed on top of the stepstool and couldn't figure out how to get down and unshelved an entire row at the library. This guy is a live wire....

Things I am loving...

Date night! Hallelujah! Never was I able to take colicky Loulie out at this age but Tad slept through the whole movie...

Begin Again--excellent movie and even better soundtrack. Loulie and I have been dancing to it All week...

Tad's alfalfa sprout...

Loulie's VBS performance Sunday night...

How much Loulie relishes being a big sister...

She can't keep her hands off him (I can't either for that matter). And the other day she said (in her gush voice) "It's impossible not to hug him, he's just so sugary."

Babies who sleep...

Family nap time...

My biggest problem...

I basically do this to Loulie at least once a month and poor Tad suffered the same scene at about 5am this morning...

Tad--One Week

I'm lying in bed rocking back and forth with sweet Tad pressed in close. I wish I could go back to sleep but I've found that staring at him is actually much more fulfilling. Besides, the advice "sleep when the baby sleeps" seems a little insane; like I have a switch that I can flip to immediately hit a deep REM cycle. And after being woken up 3 times in 6 hrs, my body has decided it's a new day. So here I sit in the morning twilight contemplating how I can smell like old milk and vomit while Taddycakes still maintains that sweet new baby smell. And though there is no sleep switch, there is a maternal switch that I believe the Holy Spirit controls. Because how did I go for years thinking more children would be a bad idea and now I hold the most perfect little blessing? It is God's timing and His will because I would have never gotten here on my own.
I told a friend today that all the things I worried about or didn't want to give up in having another baby seem so insignificant and ridiculous now. Once you are on baby time, life just seems to flow and you forget what it used to be like until you are there again--sleeping through the night, wearing old clothes, going out with your husband again. But until then, I am relishing this newborn stage even more so than I did with Loulie. I can't believe I already love him this much!

So here is a rundown on Tad's first week in the world...

on Tad: He's an angel! Basically, the antithesis of his sister, he sleeps all the time. When he is not sleeping, he's eating. The only thing I kind of hope for is some awake time where he is not crying and hunting for a boob. He lost 9 oz in his first week and then gained one back, making him 7lbs 2oz at one week. He doesn't really like quick movement (swing, vibrating chair, dancing) but just likes to be cuddled close to his mother. We've stuck pretty close to the house but Loulie and I did take him out to the beach for a quick stroll Friday evening. It was breezy and glorious and I look forward to a 1000 more beach walks with them. 

on Loulie: She is such a help and revels in finally being a Big Sister! She had a few moments after he was born of wanting to stick close and being kind of snippy to other caregivers. I think her occasional sassiness has more to do with almost turning 5 than with having a new brother. She initially didn't want to come to the hospital afraid of what I would look like and how they got the baby out. But once she discovered I have a lap again, she was okay. She's now just obsessed with breastfeeding and mimics me all day. on Me: I cannot believe that just one short week ago, I was miserably pregnant. While I do see pregnant women now and envy them seeing their baby for the first time, I miss NOTHING about being pregnant. It did take a few days for my rib to stop hurting and of course I am still healing but I feel great! It was beautiful outside yesterday so we took an hour walk. Nursing around the clock still hurts but less this go round and I basically inhale food when I get a chance. But I feel almost back to my old self.

on Friends: We have been so incredibly overwhelmed at the kindness of friends. My whole pregnancy, I was just showered with friends giving maternity clothes and hand me downs and praying for me and the baby. That has not stopped--friends have come to visit and brought meals and offered to take Loulie. It makes me want to be more intentional about helping friends. I used to not really understand the whole bring a meal thing--I mean why not just order take out, etc. But it really is the BEST gift when you are nursing a newborn on no sleep is to have friendly faces bring you a warm meal. Since I am not a very creative cook, I have on my to do list to master two meals to take to friends.

on Having Two: Everything people have said about having two children is a total lie! I will never know if it is having a boy or knowing this is my last baby, but I have already taken at least 1500 pictures. I refuse to put him down. Bert jokes that he has held him a cumulative of 2hrs. I spend a good majority of my day and night just looking at him. It doesn't really aggravate me when he cries. And I am about 1000 times more neurotic and protective. I was protective of Loulie but also didn't know better with her. I basically went along with my life as best I could, carting her everywhere. I have stayed much closer to home this time knowing that this is just a small window. I'm actually enjoying being at home and not having much expected of me. It's nice being in the bubble. I also don't have the hormone surge I was so scared of (knock on wood)--I'm really blissfully happy rather than sad or overwhelmed--I truly think this is God's protection. August us always a rough month for me so I am praying that this will continue.

I hope I can continue to update and stay on top of pictures, etc. Advantage of the second born--live and learn.
Bubbles, Tad, TaddlePup, TaddyCakes--I love you so much my heart might burst. Don't grow too fast on me (just enough to sleep through the night ;) )