That same old feeling

Another holiday season has come and gone. A month of my birthday and a trip to NY and Christmas and New Year and school performances and gift buying and cookie making. It came and it went. Now a blur. It's the eve before the actual new year starts for us, the REAL start of schedules and school and work. Bert went to bed early because yea...let's get a good start to the new year. But there lies the difference between mothers and fathers. He is sawing logs and I am pacing the house. Anxious. I have both the dishwasher and the washing machine going simultaneoulsy. I have paced the house collecting shoes and sorting coats and setting out water bottles and lunch bags. Another semester starts tomorrow at our new school location no less. And I am excited for what the year will bring but as usual it comes with sadness. I love it when everyone is home all day and we are on a schedule of our own making. I like the coziness of Christmas break and family gathering and friends getting together and eating too much and singing silly songs. The passing of the holiday means the passing of time and I will never again have a 6 year old and 17 month old at Christmas again. I'll admit, I have some regret. I was a little more about errands and logistics this year than I wanted to be. And I yelled. I have never been a mama that yelled, really--never. But the 5 year stretch isn't enough to keep little hands from touching and antagonizing and I found myself having to raise my voice more than I liked. I hate that. 

But as I type this, I already feel something that sounds like forgiveness. With fun there has to be discipline, it's part of my job as a parent. And I read some really wonderful things today about keeping the magic of the holidays and vacation alive in the everyday. I'm anxious tonight not because I think that the Lord doesn't have everything under His control because I know he does. I'm nervous because it's my job as a mom--to be intentional about sending my baby out into the world again tomorrow. To know we can't keep sleeping in and eating cookies for breakfast and staying up watching movies. It's disheartening and sad for something to end when it was good. And I guess that isn't regret but instead accomplishment--we did it, we had a wonderful holiday. 

January has started and I have decided I love January. I used to dread it as a let down after so much fun. But with the busy schedules of this season of life, I love how slow it is. It is usually a month of catching up...on rest, on reading, on family time. The first week of January holds a lot of sad memories for me but happy ones too.

Tomorrow morning I will (hopefully) get up early. Crack open the first few pages of our devotional--a fresh start. And then walk Loulie to her new school. Prayers for all the mamas that will be back at it tomorrow with expectations and goals. Ideas of what they want their year to looks like. I have picked three words that I hope will set the tone for our 2016...adventure (even in the mundane), presence, and margin. 

As this old feeling creeps in, I am reminded of how thankful I am that I already long for the goodness of my present life and the blessing I have been given. 

Snowmageddon

I'm adding Cruise Director to my resume after this week (month really). We have already had a lot of days inside these past few weeks and then school has been cancelled today and tomorrow due to icy conditions. I have managed to entertain Loulie going on 12 hours without any internet or television! We have baked to the last of the flour, crafted with every supply available to us, done every possible yoga pose, listened to the Frozen soundtrack I lost count of how many times, made breakfast lunch and dinner from scratch, read, put on plays, done make overs and kept the home fires burning while Bert went to work.  Who says mothers don't do anything? (I'm referring to that lovely piece floating around the web titled "Stay at Home Mothers Don't do Anything")  I'll answer that since I haven't had my own mind to myself since about 7:30 this morning. Literally, I have moved from organizing one form of entertainment to the next minute by minute. My girl hates the cold as much as I do so inside it has been. Needless to say, I am exhausted. But a few times today, Loulie has looked at me and said "You are my favorite mama. I'm so glad you had me." or in one instance she looked at a picture and said "You are always such a pretty mama. I gone be like you when I get big." Talk about a rejuvenator. To even it out, I will admit that she also looked at me at one point and said "Are you going crazy?" Guess I don't have that great of a poker face because yes, I thanked God 100 times today that I live in Charleston and not Minnesota. How do all those northerners not go crazy?!
So we'll be back at it tomorrow. I am determined to style it up like Ralphie's brother and get a good walk in. Bert said some kids were sledding down Wappoo Cut today. I think it might be fun to walk somewhere that is normally too trafficky tomorrow so you might see us running down the middle of Folly or up the James Island Connector ;)
--We made these homemade pretzels tonight. Delicious! And quite a feat since I normally warm up Trader Joes or Whole Foods. They were a perfect little dinner with a side salad and different dips. I made cinnamon sugar for Bert and LB likes salted. I also saw a variation with rosemary that might be fun now that I have my herb garden from my mom for Christmas.

--In other news, our company sold a whopping 8 bags of ice today. What the what? If this weather keeps up, the Dashers might be homeless. Bert compared himself to Kristoff which was Frozen reference #4568 today.
--Speaking of Frozen references, it is all Loulie can talk about. The other day she was hiding in a rack at a store and told me that she had to hide her frozen powers from people so they couldn't see her. When she woke up this morning and Bert told her that the white on the ground wasn't snow but ice, she said "told you I had the power to freeze things." Ya'll, we're obsessed. Elsa is hosting a tea party at a local store in a few weeks. I CANNOT wait to surprise Loulie!
--One last thing in case you too are going nuts and need a little laugh. My friend sent me this video last night. There is so much truth in it, you have to laugh to not cry.
So I'm dreaming of warmer days and regularly scheduled programming but also enjoying this time at home making memories with my girl. From all the facebook and instagram pictures it seems like we are all doing the same. My heart goes out to all the kids stuck in Atlanta. I cannot imagine being away from Loulie over night or stuck on the highway. I'm thankful we live within running distance of Loulie's school. I know it's false security but I like knowing I can get to her in minutes if needed. Prayers lifted for all the families that didn't get to cozy up together tonight.

  

Their rendition of Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Tangible Evidence

It's inevitable...come the first and last day of school, I walk around with a huge lump in my throat and can shed a tear at the drop of a hat. It makes me feel completely unhinged and like a total nut! I've noticed this pattern for the past two years. It's the same feeling I had when I went back to work, when Loulie turned one, the first time I dropped her off at Sunday School without her even acknowledging my leaving---the feeling that time is passing to quickly. That I will never get to relive this stage with this child again. That Loulie will never ride past the church that houses her preschool again shouting "schkoul! Loulie schkoul!" I have a hard time with it, this tangible evidence that she is getting older. This date on the calendar that says "you can never go back." It's a strange and unexpected form of grief.
At small group tonight I asked for prayer over this feeling, knowing that the next two days will be difficult for me. I mean who likes feeling sad? I felt a little ridiculous though expressing this grief considering one couple has a severely disabled child and another has a niece diagnosed with a rare disease among other issues. So yeah, Lauren, grief? Over your healthy, growing child moving on up in the world? It's hardly seems to qualify as something to get upset over. But I look at it as a blessing--that this time has been so precious that it is hard to let it go. That motherhood has been such a surprising joy that I don't want it to go by so quickly.  I'm so thankful for the friends and teachers and time we have had together this 3 year old year. I know not all school years may go as well and I'm thankful that our last year at John Wesley will be a sweet memory.
My friend, Lee, who thinks so similar to me sent me this article after I got home from small group tonight making me feel a little less ridiculous about these uncontrollable emotions I have going on. I love it! And it speaks to this moment so perfectly. I guess I am not quite alone in wanting stop time.
"Yes, time flies.
But I don’t want to stop it. I want to climb on its back and soak up every inch of the scenery. I want to drink in the laughter, the tears, the soccer games, the visits to the ER, the blues skies and the torrential rains that this world has to offer. For when the cosmic clock is finally grounded, I will climb off its back, grateful for the wild and wonderful (full-of-wonder) ride."
So I will tearfully walk her in one last time on Thursday, go early to get a seat for their year end performance and probably take way too many pictures, all the while soaking in the gifts of this good life of being her mother. Thankful for another good year and knowing by Friday that summer excitement will have me far over this momentary grief.

Full Grown 3Ker

February 2013

So far, the overarching theme of 2013 seems to be illness and not much sleep. Another round of colds at the beginning of the month has left little Bug with a cough that just WON"T GO AWAY. Combine the days home from normal activity, cold weather and Bert  going out of town for a week; Loulie and I got lots of quality time together. At the time, I felt like the days were going by slow but now that the month is over, I really don't know what happened to February. 

February 

- The month began with fires and crafts and dress-up, lots of time making Valentine's for family and friends at school.

- Bert went out of town for a week so Loulie and I had a few girls' nights with homemade popcorn and movies, a lunch date with Aunt Meme at Butcher & Bee, and a new addiction to FNL on Netflix.

- Valentine's came and went, beginning the day with a special family breakfast and ending it with a feverish 3 year old. A new princess dress from Lovey made up for the blah weather and feeling bad though. 

- In between sick days, we were able to attend the SEWE festival, a few play dates, a birthday party and catch up with friends on the other side of the world in Mt Pleasant. Bert and I actually went on two dates this month--I think that might be a record for us. 

- And Loulie learned how to spell and write her name!

                 

Now that it's March, I am itching for spring. The appreciation for cold days and long nights with a fire has been replaced with an impatience for daylight savings and sundresses. I am ready for the cold season to be over, both literally and figuratively. And since we're still holding on to this cough, I'd appreciate any prayers you might throw up for my girl--we are going to make one more polite trek back to the doctor if she isn't better by the weekend. 

Making a home (Thanksgiving)

Homemaking. It's an actual title, a task, a balance that I have come to appreciate. That holidays and homes and meals and memories don't just come about. That my mother worked hard behind the scenes for decades pulling off the cozy, warm memories of my childhood. I've come to understand the balance it takes to cook and clean and organize and pack and travel gracefully while also pausing to kiss cheeks and toss footballs and bake cookies and watch Charlie Brown with patience, knowing that it will mean staying up later and losing some sleep so that it all comes together seamlessly. It's a mother's job. So yesterday we mixed grocery store errands with the children's museum, piles of laundry with a donut date and washing the dog with cookie baking. And at 6:00 the counter was covered in flour, Christmas music was playing and Loulie asked me to stop cooking to dance with her. I'm pretty sure this is why people have children. 

Today began with racing through downtown (Loulie's first with her own race number), trying to pack while Loulie keeps calling me in the room to watch the parade and heading to Augusta in just a few minutes. And I am overwhelmed with thankfulness; for this home, for this girl, for this family.

Here are a few pictures of our pre Thanksgiving with Bert's family in Highlands. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you too feel overwhelmed today with thankfulness for the blessings of family, friends and the constant grace of our Heavenly Father.

Why blog?

I'm back. I've had some serious battling of the conscience on whether or not to keep blogging. Based on things I've read from some other bloggers I relate to, I believe a lot of people go through this. A lot of it began two weeks ago during the whole Chick Fil A debacle. There just seemed to be too much information, too many opinions and so much arrogance. Why is it we think the age of technology means we should share every thought and opinion so forcefully? Couple that with finding a few blogs written by some mothers I know at Loulie's school that I found to be a little self indulgent. Picture after picture of them in front of mirrors discussing what they wore that day, admissions of drinking too much allowing their children to get hurt and posting their weight. I really am not trying to be judgmental--I know there are all walks of life out there and that some people relate more than others. I'm sure a lot of people read blogs by me and my friends and have opposite opinions of how we should be parenting, living, worshipping, etc. But all of it got me thinking..what is it that I am really trying to say? Is this blog a place where I am bragging? where I want people to be impressed? Am I self indulgent? And if the answer is yes, DO I NEED TO STOP?
I went around and around. At one point dragging my poor mother into an hour long diatribe on whether or not blogging was self serving or a way to relate to others. As she always does, she posed some good questions? 
Am I writing about things that are important to me? Who reads it and do I care if anyone does? Do I enjoy my friends' blogs--updates on their children, struggles of parenting, tips on exercise and eating healthy? (YES) I contemplated all these questions and came up with this...Why blog?

1. I began this blog as an outlet when I quit my job. As a place to keep my mind going, share information and hopefully not completely lose my writing skills. Not like I have ever been some advanced writer but I had so much fear when I chose to stay home that anything I ever learned would slowly ooze out of my ears while I spent my time cleaning bottles and vacuuming floors. My hope was that my blog would keep my thoughts churning, give me some kind of accountability and give me a place to practice putting thoughts together/grammar/etc. I ever really cared if anyone read it, I certainly have never advertised it or begged someone to read it. It's kind of my space in a house full of toys and tools and hand me down furniture--friends can join me here if they like or not.

2. I love sharing with others. I have always said that we only grow up with one perspective of family--whether it's two parents or four, one house or three; we really only see that schedule, rules and norms of our family. I am so blessed to have such great parents that I learned so much from but I remember thinking after my first nannying job at 16, "Wow, there people out there that do it differently." From that moment on, I took notes and snippets of things that I liked from other families I babysat for, from the families of boys that I dated and what not to do from a few nightmarish experiences. And this is probably the #1 reason I love the concept of blogging--getting to see how others are doing it. Opening my circle up wider that the advice of a few friends. Seeing inside the days of other mothers and families.  Taking tips and ideas. If done correctly, we can share our perspectives, not forcefully through demands and opinions, but through living out our beliefs and documenting the outcomes. 

3. I want this space to be a place that documents our everyday lives from the mundane to what we find exciting. That if she wants to one day, Loulie can look back on her childhood through my words and pictures seeing how much I loved her and what our life was like. My mother was excellent at documenting our school years and photographing every event but sometimes can't remember details (like who fell during the family Easter egg hunt. I claim it was me, Meredith claims it was her. We're still in debate.) I hope that in capturing some of the details, she'll one day feel like she is back here again. That this will be a little gift to her one day. I realize that it could totally backfire and she could hate me for posting naked pictures and documenting tantrums but it will be the reality of her upbringing and I kind of like that. 

4. My final reason for blogging is how much I love to read. I often find myself wishing that sleeping and eating were optional, that there is just too much to learn and do and read in what little time we get here. I know how much I love reading others' blogs. Bert sometimes puts too much emphasis on what will make money, how we are spending our time. I kind of feel like if you do the things you love, then something will come from it or not, but that you've at least enjoyed the last thirty minutes. And I truly like writing, even if it is something silly. I have so many posts that I never publish because I don't want it out in the world wide web or I'm scared I'll offend someone. But I know by writing it here, that it is permanent, that I can look back on my thoughts and opinions at this time in my life (I hope one day it won't be too cringe worthy.)
So my resolution is to be more intentional in what I write and post. I hope that I never come across as braggy or full of myself. If I do, then I apologize in advance. I promise I won't post to twitter or facebook or instagram unless I feel that I have written something that truly needs to be shared. So i'm going to keep writing here. Take it or leave it. This is just me, us, living our lives. And for what it's worth, telling my story.

Pile Up

How did the end of September come so quickly?! I am backed up on blog posts, on work, on cleaning, etc. I finally found my desk last night and at least caught up on work emails. Loulie has been sick all week--high temp on Tuesday, fussy and just not herself. It has made it hard to get things accomplished with her so clingy and miserable but I have to admit it has been nice to have her usually busy body snuggled up and wanting to rest with her mama. That rarely happens anymore so I have made it a point to stop and cherish these fleeting moments.
But with a sick child and lots to do, I was high on stress yesterday and completely overwhelmed.  As I was sorting through piles on my desk, I found a list of grace prayers that a precious friend handed me this last week. My eyes immediately fell to the fourth prayers and I thought I would share it with you in case you are having that kind of day. 


When life piles up, give thanks...

"When stress mounts, I'll dismount it with gratitude. It's impossible to simultaneously feel stress and gratitude at the same time and I choose to feel thanks at all times!"
                                                                   -Anne Voskamp, Grace Prayers for Joyful Parenting