Resume Part Two

Two years ago, I hung up my suits, threw away a pair of worn out heels and retired about 20 years earlier than anticipated. Yes, today marks the two year anniversary that I have been a stay at home mother. 

I first off want to say that I know every woman has her struggles with balancing career and family and that like your birth story, everyone has one personal to them. I have wanted to tell mine now for a while because it isn't so much about choosing my child over work but how God tugged on my heart and completely changed the way I thought about a lot of things including my self worth. So as a preface, please know that this is in no way passing judgement on any mother working or staying home. I have an extraodinary amount of respect for all the mamas out there putting their families first and joyfully (and sometimes not joyfully) doing this work of parenthood (in whatever capacity) everyday. This is MY story and MY experience. 

And I should begin by telling you that from the moment I set foot in Atlanta, purchased my first suit, sat through my first sales training and received that first bonus check; all thoughts of ever staying home with children became a distant idea. Not only did it become a distant idea, it became a negative choice--something that boring, submissive women did. I had horribly judgemental ideas of what would you do all day, how terrible to have to depend on a man, what a waste of an education and talent! And as I spent more years working and spending time with coworkers just like me, those ideas began to shape the way I saw myself. As I succeeded--higher numbers, bigger bonuses, encouragement to move up--my job became my identity. That was who I was--business minded, driven, competitive and as my manager would assure me 'going places." I wasn't drinking the company koolaid, I was IV-ing into my arm. And life went on just fine until marrying Bert and moving left me without the fuel to my fire. My energy had been spent on working and with out that, I suddenly felt very invaluable. In my year long search for a job in Charleston, I would get so frustrated that I wasn't "bringing anything to the table." I didn't feel like I brought any value to our marriage because I didn't provide a paycheck nor did I feel that my day was meaningful. I volunteered but still my self worth was so tied to earnings and productivity; I couldn't shake feeling kind of useless despite Bert's encouragement. Not only that but by putting so much pressure on myself to earn, it blindingly kept me from submitting and trusting him to take care of our family.

Thankfully, I found a job in Charleston and once again felt satisfied with how my time was spent. I had Loulie and returned back to work with a lot of resignations but stood on the ground that work needed me, that I needed the

 money, and that I would never find a job like that again. I now look back and see how prideful, how selfish and how untrusting I was. In the meantime, Loulie had horrible colic. Her daycare workers would call me out of meetings, I would pick her up to find her on the lap of the head administrator because her caretakers couldn't handle her neediness along with 7 other babies. And through all this, I prayed for signs of what to do but still held on to the thought of what would I be if I chose to stay home. How could I trust Bert to care for us?  That if I stayed at home no one would ever know what I had accomplished, that I was capable and smart. Talk about Satan having a party in your head?!

I began to get worn down. One night Loulie stayed up screaming until 5:00am. After finally getting to sleep, the alarm went off an hour and a half later so that I could get Loulie to daycare before an 8:00 meeting. It was hell and we were both miserable. 

I prayed more. I asked the advice of friends. I stained my poor mother's ear daily. And one day a friend said something to me that flipped a switch. "Whatever you decide to do, just don't loose your identity." I remember clearly going home and standing at my kitchen counter thinking "so is my identity my work?". Is that who I think I am? And like a cloud lifting, all of my self righteous sin that I had been masking with excuses for months was revealed. And I realized the real reason I was struggling. After praying and praying, all circumstances were pointing to me staying home. And after fighting it for so long, it became so apparent that I was scared of what God had in store, I was scared of loosing control, I was scared of not being able to provide for myself and Loulie, and I was scared of going down a road that might not have an exit ramp. So with so much trepidation, I made a call, I finished up my two weeks and I handed my self worth back to the Lord.

And for months he did a great work on my heart.

I get asked all the time since I have done both sides of it whether or not I think a friend or coworker should stay home with their child. I want to share what I've learned so far but I'll save it for another post. Like I said earlier, it is a different story and choice for each family. I have one answer for myself--I have never once looked back with regret. It took a lot of pruning but I have peace that what I am doing now is where I am meant to be. That what I do with my hours and days doesn't define who I am.  That the choice wasn't about what to do but who I was putting in control, who I was choosing to trust. And I hope I never stop being thankful for the lessons I've learned and the way I now spend my days.

Resume Part One

The other night I rented Morning Glory --a romantic comedy starring Rachel McAdams as a newbie producer of a morning news show. I thought it was hilarious.  It got me thinking about working and my past jobs and how there seems to be a pattern that resonates with all twenty somethings and first jobs and perhaps that's why I thought this movie was so funny.

Have you seen the movie? How does your post grad experience match up?

I graduated in four years with a very generic degree and no idea what in the hell-o I wanted to do. So after a four day stint doing tours at the CNN center and taking MARTA into downtown every morning, I found myself a promising internship at a Children's Hospital in a more central area of Atlanta--it paid a whopping $200/week.  I spent the next five months preaching to my mother, my boyfriend, my best friend and anyone who would listen that if someone would just give me a chance, I would commit my life to showing them what a great job I could do. 

Just like the character in the movie; after stalking multiple people in parking lots, sending out numerous follow up emails and all but following the receptionist to the mailroom to make sure she delivered my resume; I finally got a few interviews where I completely oversold my meager five months post college work experience and promised that I would work day and night to make sure that my market would see share increases (whatever the hell that meant--I probably read it in Interviewing for Dummies). 

After an overly kind, very desperate woman who probably saw sucker tattooed on my forehead interviewed me, I had a job.

And just like Rachel McAdams in the movie, it took me about 5 seconds to realize I had been thrown into a lion's den. That the person before me had burnt bridges with almost all my clients, that there was no trust left with my organization, that I had a budget of about zero, that my market goals were ridiculous for my territory and that no class in college or in the expensive prep school my parents sold a kidney to pay for ever taught me how to write a business plan.

So I spent my first few months schlepping from office to office, wearing a suit my mother had bought me along with a smile that I hoped would keep me from getting my head bitten off by the angry receptionist. It took one year, lots of late nights, one panic attack on the side of Buford Highway and a lot of persuasion to actually pull off what they had asked me to do. I exceeded the goals for my territory in enough time to interview for my next job. Which turned out to be on the south side of Atlanta. Seriously, one of the first doctors I called on ended up on the news two weeks later for harassment of patients and drug reps. I was 25, had no husband or kids and got to travel every few months for work. I loved it!

And I continued this pattern, loving each job for different reasons and thriving on the challenges they shot my way until exactly a year ago....

when I retired to be a stay at home mother!

What one year "in the field" can do to a good pair of shoes